A Step-by-step Instruction Manual

1) Have Auggie bring you a toy.
2) Throw the toy.
3) Auggie retrieves the toy.
4) Repeat steps 1 through 3 three or four times.
5) Auggie stops five feet from you and drops the toy.
6) Demand that he bring you the toy because you cannot reach it.
7) Auggie picks up the toy, comes forward one step, and drops the toy approximately four and a half feet from you.
8) Repeat step 7 multiple times, with toy never reaching you.
9) Inform Auggie that you are not going to play if he will not bring you the toy.
10) Begin doing something else.
11) Auggie gets another toy out of the toybox and brings that to you instead.
12) Inform Auggie that you don’t WANT that toy, you want the OTHER toy.
13) Auggie looks at other toy.
14) Tell Auggie “Yes! The dinosaur!! Bring me the dinosaur!”
15) Auggie looks away from the toy, turns back to second toy he got out of toybox, and brings that to you instead.
16) Give in. Repeat steps 1 through 3 three or four times.
17) Auggie stops five feet from you and drops the toy.
18) Immediately inform him you are NOT going to play this game.
19) Go back to doing something else.
20) Auggie gets a third toy out of the toybox and brings that to you instead.
21) Tell him no, that toy is no different. You want the OTHER toy.
22) Auggie looks at first toy.
23) Tell Auggie “YES. The DINOSAUR. I want the DINOSAUR. Get it. GET it Auggie GET THE DINOSAUR GET IT GET IT GET IT.”
24) Auggie picks up the third toy and presents that to you instead.
25) Get up, get the first toy yourself. Shake it in his face. Throw first toy.
26) Auggie retrieves first toy, then stops five feet from you and drops the first toy.
27) REFUSE to play this game and go back to doing something else.
28) Auggie gets his big stuffed puppy out of his crate and brings you that.
29) Tell him no, no, no. Get up and get the first toy again. Throw the first toy.
30) Auggie runs after the first toy, but does not put down big stuffed puppy – that is, Auggie runs after his dinosaur toy while dragging his big stuffed puppy along.
31) Auggie attempts to pick up dinosaur with big stuffed puppy still in mouth.
32) Auggie drops puppy and picks up dinosaur.
33) Auggie tries to pick up puppy with dinosaur still in mouth.
34) Auggie drops dinosaur and picks up puppy.
35) Auggie returns to you sans dinosaur, but still dragging big stuffed puppy along.
36) Give up entirely.

Just in case any of you were ever wondering and should need instructions.

I decided to try out some of the yoga poses on my Wii Fit. I did the downward dog a few times because I apparently wasn’t doing it right – I was putting too much weight on my feet, the Wii Trainer kept informing me. “You are putting too much weight on your feet. You are putting too much weight on your feet.” Over and over in that slightly-chipper, yet slightly-negative Wii Fit voice that makes you kind of want to punch it in the face, were the Wii Fit to have a face. So finally, about the third time through, I adjusted how I was standing – and viola! That was the correct pose!
…and then HERE COMES AUGGIE wanting to see what’s up.

And by “see what’s up” I mean that he walked underneath me, looked up
and PROCEEDED TO LICK ALL THE SWEAT OFF MY FACE.

AAUUUGUUGHUHUHHHHHH

So I’m trying to keep a precarious yoga pose, trying to tell him “NO AUGGIE NO” while simultanously trying to avoid opening my mouth and getting a french kiss, and also trying to flail at him a little and get him to knock it off.
I totally failed.
FAIL.

I had told Auggie that I was going to buy a dog yoga book and we could do some yoga, but this was NOT what I had in mind.