How To Play Fetch With Auggie
A Step-by-step Instruction Manual
1) Have Auggie bring you a toy.
2) Throw the toy.
3) Auggie retrieves the toy.
4) Repeat steps 1 through 3 three or four times.
5) Auggie stops five feet from you and drops the toy.
6) Demand that he bring you the toy because you cannot reach it.
7) Auggie picks up the toy, comes forward one step, and drops the toy approximately four and a half feet from you.
8) Repeat step 7 multiple times, with toy never reaching you.
9) Inform Auggie that you are not going to play if he will not bring you the toy.
10) Begin doing something else.
11) Auggie gets another toy out of the toybox and brings that to you instead.
12) Inform Auggie that you don’t WANT that toy, you want the OTHER toy.
13) Auggie looks at other toy.
14) Tell Auggie “Yes! The dinosaur!! Bring me the dinosaur!”
15) Auggie looks away from the toy, turns back to second toy he got out of toybox, and brings that to you instead.
16) Give in. Repeat steps 1 through 3 three or four times.
17) Auggie stops five feet from you and drops the toy.
18) Immediately inform him you are NOT going to play this game.
19) Go back to doing something else.
20) Auggie gets a third toy out of the toybox and brings that to you instead.
21) Tell him no, that toy is no different. You want the OTHER toy.
22) Auggie looks at first toy.
23) Tell Auggie “YES. The DINOSAUR. I want the DINOSAUR. Get it. GET it Auggie GET THE DINOSAUR GET IT GET IT GET IT.”
24) Auggie picks up the third toy and presents that to you instead.
25) Get up, get the first toy yourself. Shake it in his face. Throw first toy.
26) Auggie retrieves first toy, then stops five feet from you and drops the first toy.
27) REFUSE to play this game and go back to doing something else.
28) Auggie gets his big stuffed puppy out of his crate and brings you that.
29) Tell him no, no, no. Get up and get the first toy again. Throw the first toy.
30) Auggie runs after the first toy, but does not put down big stuffed puppy – that is, Auggie runs after his dinosaur toy while dragging his big stuffed puppy along.
31) Auggie attempts to pick up dinosaur with big stuffed puppy still in mouth.
32) Auggie drops puppy and picks up dinosaur.
33) Auggie tries to pick up puppy with dinosaur still in mouth.
34) Auggie drops dinosaur and picks up puppy.
35) Auggie returns to you sans dinosaur, but still dragging big stuffed puppy along.
36) Give up entirely.
Just in case any of you were ever wondering and should need instructions.
Dog-a
I decided to try out some of the yoga poses on my Wii Fit. I did the downward dog a few times because I apparently wasn’t doing it right – I was putting too much weight on my feet, the Wii Trainer kept informing me. “You are putting too much weight on your feet. You are putting too much weight on your feet.” Over and over in that slightly-chipper, yet slightly-negative Wii Fit voice that makes you kind of want to punch it in the face, were the Wii Fit to have a face. So finally, about the third time through, I adjusted how I was standing – and viola! That was the correct pose!
…and then HERE COMES AUGGIE wanting to see what’s up.
And by “see what’s up” I mean that he walked underneath me, looked up
and PROCEEDED TO LICK ALL THE SWEAT OFF MY FACE.
AAUUUGUUGHUHUHHHHHH
So I’m trying to keep a precarious yoga pose, trying to tell him “NO AUGGIE NO” while simultanously trying to avoid opening my mouth and getting a french kiss, and also trying to flail at him a little and get him to knock it off.
I totally failed.
FAIL.
I had told Auggie that I was going to buy a dog yoga book and we could do some yoga, but this was NOT what I had in mind.
Fry Monster
Last month, after Auggie got his NAJ, I went to Long John Silver’s and got something to eat… and, because he had such a big weekend, I did what I NEVER do…
and gave him some of my food.
He got french fries… they’re little and skinny and not too terribly salty, so I gave him a small handful. It was a VERY BIG DEAL because, like I said, I never ever ever give him people food. But he just got his very first agility title! We were celebrating!
Well, I took him out just a bit ago to go buy some more dog food, and on the way home I decided to pick up lunch. Oh, heck, why not Long John Silver’s, that sounds good…
HE WANTS MY FRIES.
HELP ME. PLEASE.
Hint: if you decide to give your dog an occasional treat, make sure you don’t do it along with something that smells distinct, like FRIED FISH.
In this installment of “Auggie the Snotbucket…”
I took Auggie’s pillow, his stuffed puppy, and his loofa dog out of his crate. I also picked up the pillow in the living room, stuffed them all into the wash, and got to work doing Auggie’s laundry.
So it’s pretty much bedtime for Auggie doggy right about now, but I’m not going to work tomorrow morning so there’s no good reason to crate him and go to bed. I’m gonna stay up late doing some work. The laundry isn’t totally done, either, so the crate is still empty.
BUT, just to prove a point… Auggie goes over to his crate (which I had the door shut to since it was empty) and stares at me until I come over and open the door for him. He then goes INTO HIS CRATE. (Any other time he would be just as content laying on the high pile carpeting… ANY OTHER TIME, I tell you.)
He stares at the hard plastic piece on the bottom. He paws at it a little, he whines and snorfles a bit. He sniffs around to make sure he’s really in the right place.
He lays down.
He stares at me.
He is still laying in there, STILL STARING AT ME, and it’s been almost twenty minutes.
THIS IS A GUILT TRIP, PEOPLE.
Somebody make my dryer dry faster.
I am a terrible dog owner
>I still had a half-full can of Mountain Dew left from dinner that I’d been drinking through the night. My head hurt, so I decided I’d go take a shower and see if that would help. Auggie comes into the bathroom with me, and when I shower he lays down on the floor – today is no different. The can of soda came with me, too, and I set it on the sink.
I got out of the shower and was distracted, thinking about something. Not paying a heck of a lot of attention, I grabbed a towel and flung it around me… and caught the soda can, knocking it off the sink.
Onto Auggie.
MOUNTAIN DEW EVERYWHERE ON MY DOG. OMG.
He jumped up like “WTF, MOM???” and gave me this horrified look.
And then he proceeded to lick up what had spilled onto the floor.
Even better – I’m frantically trying to mop up the soda with toilet tissue, and Auggie is licking it up while his entire backend is dripping in soda also, and I say to him… because I’m a total genius… “Auggie, if you drink that so close to your bedtime, you won’t be able to fall asleep!!!”
*facepalm at self*
He then got stuck into the shower and rinsed off, and now he REALLY hates me. I’m sorry, Auggie!! I’m such a bad dog owner!
Auggie the Brat: The Laundry
Tonight I’m doing laundry, and Auggie is with me in the laundry room, poking around by the vaccuum cleaner and finding various things to munch off the floor – dust bunnies, most likely, or maybe a spider. “Auggie,” says I, “stop eating things off the floor.” He looks at me mournfully.
A moment later, I hear him smacking his lips on something else. “AUGGIE,” I say, “stop eating things off the floor!”
I put a few more things in the dryer – and he starts chomping on something again. “Okay, baby, scoot scoot,” I tell him, and he scoots out of the laundry room and I shut the door behind him.
Now, the laundry room is in the basement and there are two doors that lead to it: one, the one I just shut, comes right into it; the other door leads towards my mom’s office and the bathroom, and also has a little hallway that leads into the laundry room.
As I’m putting things into the dryer, I suddenly see little Auggie paws creeping into the room. He stops, hiding behind the open door to the dryer.
I peek over the door and look down at him. He hasn’t noticed a thing… he’s still staring intently at my feet, watching, thinking I haven’t realized he’s snuck back in.
So, as I peer over the dryer door, I say to him… “Do you think I don’t see you there?”
He looks up at me, and – I kid you not – makes a little “D= *GASP*” face, turns around, and RUNS as fast as he can back down the hall and out into the rest of the basement… while I die laughing behind him.
My dog is a SNOT.
Auggie’s Favourite Game
This is Auggie’s Favourite Game In The Whole Wide World.Β Here are the rules, should you decide to play this game with your dog.
(I, personally, do not recommend the game.)
It’s called “Who will die first – you, or me?”
The object of the game, as obvious by the title of the game, is to see who will die first.
Player 1 – Auggie – eats as many things as he can find, edible or not, safe for doggy consumption or not.
Player 2 – me, his hapless owner – will have to discover what he has eaten, how much he has eaten, if it’s indeed safe or harmful, and how to handle the situation.
This may or may not include panic.
This may or may not include collecting pieces of a chewed item together and placing them together like a puzzle to determine how much has been consumed.
This may or may not include thorough examining of the carpeting and furniture to verify that missing pieces have indeed been eaten.
This may or may not include calls to the vet.
This may or may not include calls to the emergency vet.
This may or may not include calls to Auggie’s breeder.
This may or may not include a visit to the vet, who, by now, is quite used to a sheltie acting rather like a labrador retriever in terms of items going into his mouth.
This may or may not include hysterical crying fits.
This may or may not include sobbing into his fur, “Why can’t you just eat CHOCOLATE like any NORMAL dog??”
This may or may not include inducing vomiting.
This may or may not include poking through a pile of vomit to verify that harmful contents have indeed been vomited up.
This may or may not include inducing vomiting again, just to be absolutely, totally, 100% sure that harmful contents have indeed been vomited up.
This may or may not include several days of watching puppy poop more closely than usual to ensure that harmful contents have safely passed through the digestive system and no blockage has occured.
This may or may not include migraines caused by stress.
This may or may not include sleepless nights over the course of several days as the poisonous affects may not show up immediately.
Game ends when either player dies, either of poisoning or various other physical problems caused by eating various things, or from fear, worry, or a heart attack caused by panic.
